Archive for July 12, 2011

Despite being a perfectionist, I had allowed it to stay there. It was only a small leaf caught in the (unoccupied) spider web on the outside of my window. To me it was important; it served as my ray of hope. It had been a successful three months, I hadn’t seen or heard from them and it was promising, I was living a little easier, feeling more relaxed everyday – things weren’t so bad now, trauma eases after a while after all.

I really don’t know what had caused me to do it, possibly confusion and politeness – definitely a mistake on my part though. It had been a long and tiring day, but the sun was shining and it was only the bus driver being particularly awkward that ruined my day. A random bus stop was to be his “final destination” as he phrased it – (on a straight road?) So twenty something people later, I got off the bus and continued the long walk back home – as always, minding my own business with my iPod in.

A shouted name, twice – mine, a beckoning wave. Instinctively I took out my earphones and headed towards the source, seconds later I found myself trapped in an awkward conversation with an apparent stranger. I didn’t want to seem rude and continue on my way – he was being polite enough – asking how my family and I were doing, as if he knew me. I double checked he was actually talking to me and looked behind me when I suddenly realised who I was talking to. My throat went dry and my heart began to beat faster – I’d tried so hard to avoid this – all the hiding away and wishful thinking wasted.

I was face-to-face with “pervy-window-creep”! My mind was racing then – I couldn’t work out what was worse: that he had somehow found out and memorised my name? Or that he knew all along that it was my rear end he’d complimented that day, subtlety commenting on my “much shorter hairstyle”. He didn’t seem so bothered about any of it – which instead of putting me at ease, only fuelled as a catalyst for my discomfort. I needed to get away.

After some seriously quick thinking, I realised I should just play it cool. Pretend it wasn’t me, calmly cut short the conversation, run home, lock the door and hide.

Failing subtlety I quickly garbled “what’s the time?” and as he checked I almost shouted “I’ve gotta go!” and hurried away – which only made things worse. He now knew who I was, where I lived and seemed to enjoy my unease.